Why am I an Atheist

This blog of profanity contains sensitive religious issues. Don’t read it if the truth is going to hurt your feelings.
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I’m an atheist. A person who believes that there is no God.
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I was not born an atheist. In fact, my parents were some hardcore Buddhism that they'd constantly subscribe a large fortune to the temples. They even put me into Sunday-school. So I was pretty much brainwashed and blinded by the religious claims until my intellect was up to where I could see things from different angles.
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How do we exist? Who created the universe? Who’s that almighty one so true and noble that has created such a world so perfect to stay in? God. Any Sunday-school child can tell you that. But before this God can create something, one must first produce the God. There is no bull shit like ‘God is just there by natural’, that could justify the question. Because if God could exist solely by natural, why can’t everything else exist by natural itself? It’d be ironic to defy it. I mean, it neither can be proved nor disproved because no one was there to witness the origin of the universe or the origin of life, thus we cannot simply come to the conclusion that there was a higher being that’s playing the role of a creator. God is just a concept created by humans; it exists only by Faith alone, not by logic, certainly not by any sort of proof. God didn’t create us, we created it.
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On the other hand, if there was a God, he is not deserving of worship, for creating a world such a failure, as you can find murders, rape, child abuse or whatsoever everywhere. If he has not been able to abolish evil, then he is not as potent as we think he is. How many innocent lives have been taken away each and every day? That’s the point. Believers chose to overlook it, on purpose perhaps, because it contradicts the way they think about God. It’s amazing how they could create a delusion by taking a contradiction and turn it into a non- contradiction, but makes perfect sense. Etc: they’d praise God for any fortune that has ever happened; but when it comes to the calamities, they'd make reference to themselves, leaving out God off the picture, evidently, they choose to live in denial because once again, the truth hurts them.

And I could not see how God could tend to the lives of so many people with the care and personal attention that each person on Earth desires and commands.
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Meanwhile, religion is the creation of man, not of any higher being. This being the case, religion is subject to all flaws, mistakes, faults a human never void of. They could be wrong. Furthermore, every religion has its own beliefs and perceptions, and all of that differ vastly from religion to religion. For instance:

Hindus believe it does–your karma, which depends on what you do in this life, decides what happens in the next.

Muslims generally believe that morality benefits the individual–one could loosely characterize the teachings as saying that at the end of each human life, a pair of angels come down to weigh the departed soul, sending him off to a better place if he has done well and off to a worse place if he has done badly.

Roman Catholics explicitly teach that morality reduces one’s time in Purgatory.

And every theist is self righteous about his own religion and beliefs that comes along w it, at the meanwhile rejecting all other external ideas. But the truth is simple. Say you attempted this Add Math question 5 times, and every each time you get a different answer. It could only mean that all 5 of your answers are wrong. =]

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So how do we exist? Who created the universe? Who’s that almighty one so true and noble that has created such a world so perfect to stay in? I do not know. Science hasn’t explained it all but someday, it will.

Tired & Exhausted

She is going for clubbing tonight. So I made her promise me to text me when she got home.


11.00pm –

I decided to sleep first and hopefully I could wake up to her message.


12.00am –

I leaned against my left arm, allowing myself to face my phone on the right side of my pillow. I find myself staring at my phone most of the time rather than closing my eyes so as to have a peaceful sleep. My left arm started to go numb. I knew it was going to be a long night.


1.00am –

If Australian clubs close at 3am, it would be 1am in Malaysia’s time zone. I guess it’s about time she’d message me about her safe arrival. So I got up from my bed at around 1.30am, signed into my msn but appeared offline. Waiting.


2.30am –

Nothing happened. I started to get a lil bit disappointed. Well, maybe Australian clubs have longer party hours, so I’m going to have to wait longer. I tried to deceive myself by thinking that way.


3.30am –

I went up to the roof-top to have a smoke. Chill yang sik...She is probably yamcha-ing with her friends right now. Everyone needs to get sober after clubbing so they go to mamak remember? So I’m going to have to wait a lil longer. Just a lil longer yang sik... just a lil…


3.45am -

Michelle msged. but i didn't feel like talking. sorry.


4.00am –

I went back to my bed. I knew she wouldn’t text me already.


4.30am –

I lay sprawled, rolling all over my bed trying to catch some sleep. Agitated. Let downed. Depressed. Losing sleep.


6.45am –

I saw the first faint rays of dawn. I checked my phone. I looked into my inbox to see if i accidentally opened her sms without knowing. Nope. Then I looked at the clock. It was 6.45am already.




You said you would text. And I stayed up all night. ALL NIGHT LONG, can u imagine how i have been through it? I have been staring at the monitor for hours waiting for you to come online, staring at the phone until i have become so sick of its design, and i smoke like I'd get lung cancer the next day. I’m not a patient person but I did that for you man. Is this how you show up to me? I wonder while you were having fun, were you aware that i was there alone worrying, thinking about you? Damn! Why am I still living in the past!

I feel like I don’t matter anymore. Never mind. It's alright. It's ok. At least I had a clear thought in my mind tonight. That you do not deserve my best and I certainly do not have to remain faithful to you anymore. I do not deserve to be a victim of my own commitment. Thanks for letting me know that the feelings weren't mutual.

I never considered myself a jealous person until i met you. Sorry if i have overreacted. It was just because i loved you too much. TOO MUCH. No big deal. You wouldn’t find another guy who loved you like I did. DID. Note that. No one else is as blind and stupid. And when you come to realize the fact, you would know what you have been missing out all these while, and I would have been woken up to the person who knows my worth already.

Now, feel free and go do whatever you like, especially those things you were once restricted to do when i was with you. Coz nobody is going to have a say already. Likewise it would also mean that i will not be concerned if you were losing sleep for your assignments, I am not going to sacrifice my time to accompany you late at night till the next morning to finish your assignments, and you could forget about my phone calls because I'm not going to burn a hole in my pocket making any oversea calls again. Maybe other girls yea. But NOT YOU.

I feel so much better now. I feel relieved. Finally I could released and let go of everything. I have been tired and exhausted all these while. Now, I just want to sleep and think of nothing...

LDR

It's not Law of Diminishing Returns. We are talking about long distance relationship.
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Have u ever been very indecisive over choices of your uni, trying hard to change the plan of your life, adjust it to the way so you can have a good grip on your love ones? Do you feel like abandoning all your goals and start making decisions based solely on your love ones? And when you get a grip and come to your senses, you feel like you are fcuking stupid? I do. I have been through it.

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This is my story.

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I met her in a camp to Taiwan. I noticed her in an instant. Sometimes, when you meet someone, before you even know their name, you know that sometime in the future, this person is going to mean something to you. Well, not long after the camp, we got together on 14th march, the white valentine’s day.

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She was everything good. When I needed her most, she never failed to be there for me. She listens to me, respects me and have always been trustworthy and honest. She’d be so understanding that she'll put up with all the flaws in my personalities, accept me for whom I am and never tried to change anything in me. There's not a day that passed by without thinking of her, even now. It's like an everyday kind of thing. When I sat down in a restaurant, i would think about honey lemon tea that we would make fun of; when i walked pass a saloon, i would remember how beautiful her hair is that curls naturally; and during the nights, the last thing in my mind would be wondering if she's sleeping or still staying up late for her assignments.

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Everything started to fade away when she was transited to an Australian uni. Her attention has been dilated towards her new friends, her uni assignments, her new life. I felt neglected and became very upset. And now everytime she showed the slightest of attention, I would drop everything I’m doing because I didn’t want to miss it. I even made up conversations we never had, imagine things we would do if we were together. I’m a fcuking idiot.

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Likewise, since she isn’t where I can keep my eyes on her, it’s extremely easy to get jealous and suspicious. She never explained, and I never asked. Instead I became more demanding for reassurance, showing resentment over the way I had been treated, but many times I have been disappointed with how our conversations went astray rather than the way I wished it would be. I’m still not detached from all the insecurities that she has created, and all questions were left unanswered.

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She’s just somebody that I used to know. I miss her even when I’m talking to her. So I decided to end it all. I started going out with girls whom I met in italiannies, night clubs and snooker clubs. I enjoyed hanging out with them, in fact they are sooo good in every way and some of them are even way hotter and attractive than her. Having a few dates here and there and I could really see myself changing. They helped me forget her. Because yes, I cant stop the fact that I still love her. I wanted to be a good boyfriend, i have so much love to give, but I’m not given the chance. Now, it’s not up to me anymore. If she wants me in her life, she’s gotta find a way to put the pieces back again, and reassure me that I'm not doing something of futility.

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The point is, a relationship will only work when both parties are willing to put forth an effort. It's evident now that I was the only one committed to it. Many of us, rather than remaining faithful for years, would go into an open dating policy.

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Why?

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Because no one is willing to take the risk. After all, there are too many uncertainties in life, and life itself has all it has to offer. We never really know. We may think that as long

as we loved each other, nothing will ever come between us. However, bear in mind that your partner might not be as optimistic about the chances of sustaining a LDR, and obviously, one-sided effort will not keep the spark alive. Plus, temptation is always there, and sadly, you are too far away to do anything.

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Even if you opt to be together, one person will likely have to make a sacrifice. This may require sacrificing an education plan, a job, friends or family. Will you be willing to forgo all these?

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But then again, sometimes 2 person need to be apart to realize how much they need to be together. Distance does help you remember all the little things, and the moments together would be much more valuable and cherished. The moments I spent with her in Sunway Pyramid is still vividly echoing in my mind. I missed it so fucking much.

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Well, from my point of view, I do not believe that in an LDR, ‘distance’ is the core problem of a break up. Me and her didn't make it because we do not have a strong love foundation to begin with. But i think if both parties are willing to make a commitment to foster love between themselves, no matter what, nothing is quite impossible. Everything is in our hands. If we want it to happen, it will.

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Here’s a piece of advice, for those who never made it in LDR.

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You cannot assume there will be a happy ending. You can’t let someone to have too much of an influence on you. Love them. Care about them. But do not become obsessed, and DON'T FORGET the other things and people in your life. I’ve come to realized that dwelling on someone you can’t have, just makes you want them more. When you start thinking about other stuff, and less about them, you realize you may not even really want them in the first place. Sometimes it is just a passing feeling. We tend to overlook it because we are in love with them.

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Sometimes, the hardest thing to let go of is the one you never really had.

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Cheers*

心情日记

心情日记

某月某日，上午

微风吹过，叶子一片一片地飘落。我坐在窗前，准备着明天的考试。

这时候，一只鸟飞来，停在一枝树梢上。我抬头看了看它，也就继续埋头读书。

也不知过了多久，我搁笔伸了个懒腰，蓦然发现，那只鸟竟在我不经意间飞走了。心里不禁有些怅然。突然觉得，身边的东西，可能会在你不知不觉中就这样离你而去。即使是数秒钟的东西，也能给我们一辈子的记忆。那时候我告诉自己，我要珍惜现在所拥有的一切，守住我所拥有最珍贵的温暖。

一天，我也要像鸟一样，展开翅膀，离开没有归宿感的这里，飞向属于我的世界。

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某月某日，半夜

午夜时刻，周围开始宁静。

我拉来了梯子，爬到屋顶去，星星和月亮与我的的距离又更近了。

我静静坐在那里，衣服也沾了夜的味道。夜色里撒着几颗 孤独的星星，像梦一样美，叫我如何睡得着。

我把我的心声说给星星听，就让有一天，它在你睡梦中告诉你。

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某月某日，下午

你是否也曾有过这种感觉？

今天是星期日，我都会到吉隆坡去上日文班。

我不喜欢吉隆坡。那里不仅人口多得让人窒息，空气又污染，车子又多得要命，还有烦人的汽笛声。每天的星期日，我都会忧愁起来。

那时是下课时间。我用餐后，准备回去上课。路上人来人往，熙熙攘攘，每走一步就要等一秒来走下一步。这种感觉，就像你驾车的时候，一辆 L 执照的人驾在你前面。

忽然，我发觉自己站在人海中央，时间好像停滞在那一毫秒里，人们的喧哗声变得含糊起来，间接地，人群的行动也变得很缓慢起来。恍恍忽忽间，我不禁一震，回过神来，喧哗声又重新如雷贯耳地清晰起来，路人们也从我身边陆续檫肩而过，一切，又恢复了正常。

我怔怔地伫立在那里，发愣。适才茫然的屏幕，也许只有一毫秒钟之久，但感觉上却似二、三秒之长。

我默默地把这虚幻的感觉记在心，接着我又回到了课室。心里有些落寞：我又回到了现实。

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某月某日，半夜

有一件事我老早就想做了，就是碍着父母而至今都未办到。

我想流放自己到一个没有人认识我的地方，体验一下流浪的滋味。

终于等到父母出国的那一天，我有了自由。午夜三更，我开车到一个陌生的地方，把车泊在那里，然后毫无目标地走在路上。

这 种感觉，要自己体验，非笔墨能形容。走在路中央，漫步着，什么都不需要想，那里没有生活的烦恼，没有每天的忧虑，耳里凝听的，只有夜的静谧，还有隐约的脚 步回声。眼里看见的，是星星，是月亮。晚风不时吹起，浑身浸泡在清新、有带湿润的夜味。感觉，好像活在自己的世界里，宛如大自然为你而存在。

我走到一支路灯下，我偎依在那。黄光照射下来，有了影子随同作伴。

临走前，我俯身拾了一块石子，在路灯刻了我的名字。

为的是什么？为了留下记忆，证明自己曾经在这个世界里存在过。

心情写 － 男孩的故事

男孩是个守夜者。

夜幕垂帘，男孩总是坐在高处，悠远而不为人知的角落，静静地望着星空。

午夜时分，万籁俱寂 ( 一切都很宁静 )，偶尔夹着啾啾的夜鸣声，思路变得很平静，清晰。男孩想，是否女孩，正在世界的另一端，默默地等待着彼此的相遇；想着，在自己心中的她，是否同样地也在望着夜景；想着，是否此刻，也这般地想着他……

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时间荏苒 ( 渐渐过去 )，一天又一天平凡地过去。

男孩在一次的邂逅 ( 偶然遇见 ) 中，爱上了女孩，女孩也知道他一直都在注意她。

久了，女孩也渐渐习惯了身边有他的身影，喜欢从他身上所得到的抽象感觉。

好几次女孩假装眼睛看着别处，实余角全都是他的背影，他的一举一动，女孩的眼光不曾遗落过；他的一笑一怒，无不令她心动荡漾，与此享受每一段有他的时刻。

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女孩内心隐隐盼望能接触他，但往往因男孩无动于衷而发愁。

男孩似乎只想扮演单恋的角色。

因为他觉得，还是不要联系的好，也没有向她澄清的必要。男孩喜欢神秘地在一边，欣赏她的存在。.

茫然无奈的她，只好股起勇气走到他最爱去的角落 ，腼腆 ( 害羞 ) 地说 ：

‘请你挪出少许的空间，让我可以有机会认识你，有机会向你示爱。无论如何，我需要你的理解’。

男孩霍地里愣 ( 呆 )住了。

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男孩从此和女孩谱出了爱情。

下课，女孩总是捧着准备好了的便当，也不忘买男孩最爱吃的油炸圈，站在相隔不远的梧桐树下，等待那熟悉的倩影出现，一同用餐；放学，俩人一起走路回家。日落曦光四照，俩人手牵着手，在浦满银杏树叶的小石子路上走着。

夕阳余晖下，俩人的影子拉得长长，亲密得犹如一体，景色美得像梦境一般地瑰丽。那浪漫温存的感觉，遍布全身，醺醺如醉。

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有一次在回家途中，天空下着大雨，俩人往常共撑一把伞。男孩一心护着女孩，自己全身湿漉漉的，也不让女孩被雨水沾到。

‘哎哟！’ 女孩见状，失惊地叫道 ：‘你干什么！’

‘雨伞太小啦，你被雨淋到生病怎么办？’

‘不用等到我着凉，我的心就先被你浇凉啦！’ 女孩伸出手 ‘伞让我来拿，快点！’ 心酸地说。

‘不，不给。’男孩笑着说。

‘哦？’真的吗？真～的不给吗？’ 尾音拉得长长，眼波流动，咬着下唇，露出调皮的眼色。

女孩双手突然在男孩身上乱抓，呵他的痒，男孩一时出其不意，撑着伞的手顿时松开。女孩一把将雨伞接了过来，一脸胜利的模样。

‘你……’

男孩还未说完，女孩伸手嘟住他的嘴，两颗晶莹的眼珠凝滞 ( 不动 )地看着男孩，柔声说：

‘要淋，咱一起淋，以后的艰苦，我都想跟你共度。’ 说完，把伞关了起来，藏在背后，示意绝不返还。

男孩听了大为感动，含情脉脉地看着她，一时说不出话来。雨淅沥淅沥地下着，雨声中蕴含着无限的柔情密意。俩人良久不语。

这时，女孩手勾着男孩的手臂，将身体拉得更近，头依偎着男孩的肩膀，开腔道：

‘你爱我有多少？’

‘嗯……’ 男孩俯首思索 ( 低头想 )。

‘不许骗哦。’

‘你瞧瞧。’男孩指着天，说道 ：’我对你的爱就好像天上的雨点那么多，不同的是，雨会下完，我的爱却是永恒不息的，这一切都不会变，不管怎样。’

女孩听他真情流露，娇羞无限，低着头，含含糊糊地说：

‘这都是你的真心话吗？是不是为了讨我欢心而故意说给我听的？’

男孩摇了摇头，说道：

‘我一直以来都是一个人，但自从认识了你后，我才知道到过去是多么的空虚。以前我都一个人面对事情，如今每一天所发生的事情我都想跟你说’

男孩顿了一下，继续说：

‘我爱你，我甘冒着雨给你送伞，在你生病的时候熬夜地照顾你反让我觉得很甜，很满足。真的。那种感觉很难形容，但很真，虽然是很累，总觉得为你付出是天大的乐事。还有晚上害怕你睡不着，为了不要错过你的sms而失眠，总之，很～爱你就对啦！’

女孩听了，害羞得不得了，两颊绯红，倍增娇艳，可爱得让人心醉。男孩情不自禁，低下头，慢慢地闭上眼睛，深情地吻了女孩的嘴，良久良久都不离去。

雨水倾泻，泛起一阵阵涟漪，俩人任凭雨点飘飘洒洒地打在身上。过了好久，俩人才慢慢地把眼睛张开，如梦初醒，如醉如痴。

女孩回过神来，问道：

‘要是一天我死了，你……会怎么办？’

男孩侧头过来，说道：

‘怎么啦？’

‘就想知道啊……，不想说也没关系。’

男孩沉吟半晌，说：

‘你死了，我绝不会独活。是不能，也是不要。’

庄严认真的样子，带着铁定的语气说道。

忽然间，女孩深深地打了个冷颤，身子不住晃动起来，双颊全无血色。男孩这一惊可非同小可，连忙扶了女孩一把，关怀地问道：

‘你还好吧？’摸了摸女孩的额头。

女孩不答话，只顾着问：

‘你为什么要寻死？！为什么要寻死？！我值得你那么做吗？’声音颤抖得很。

男孩听了，有些不开心。

‘你的反应怎么那么大啊？’右手牵着女孩，继续说：

‘别说了，我们赶紧回家吧，你感冒了。’

女孩像是中了邪一样，茫然地随着男孩，一路跑，眼前的东西，什么都不知道。

眼眶的泪水，掺合了雨水，在脸上划过一道长长的水痕……

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恋爱总是在丰满成熟的时候，就这样无情地消失。

一天，男孩收到了医院的电话，原来女孩患上了癌症，如今已是末期。男孩得讯，霎时间，犹如身受雷轰，整个心灵崩溃下来，他简直不敢相信自己的耳朵。

男孩开伐急奔，跑去医院，脑袋只有躺在病床上的女孩。他半点也不能松懈，脸上的汗珠一滴一滴地落，划过一道一道晶萤的水痕。尽管脚是多么的累，尽管自己是多么的精疲力尽，他没有休息的余地。因为女孩每一分每一秒，都可能离他而去。

男孩终于到了医院。查询病房门号，二话不说，跑到病卧，把门推开。

只见女孩躺在病床上，脸毫无血色，显然已经在垂死的边缘。但女孩仍坚强地在鬼门关口挣扎，为的是要见男孩最后一面。

男孩走到床边，握着女孩的手，深情地看着她。瞧见女孩憔悴无色的脸胧，男孩痛心疾首，情绪澎湃，看着心爱的人即将死去而无法挽回结局，男孩首次体会到自己是多么的无助，无能，恨不得代受其苦，再也忍耐不住，泪水夺眶而出。

女孩轻轻抚摸着男孩的脸，拭去他脸上的泪，微笑地言：

‘别哭啦……难道我的伤心…….就不及你厉害吗……’

‘为什么你没告诉我？’

‘因为我想快乐地……和你度过这三个月……’

‘好。’男孩收起了眼泪，心里暗暗打定了注意，脸上闪出一丝的安祥。

女孩一双明眸凝滞地望着男孩，突然明白了男孩的意思。俩人心灵相通，男孩也知道女孩猜中了他的心思。

‘不行……’ 女孩有气无力地说：’你不能死……’

‘你明知我是不会答应你的。’

女孩深知男孩的性格，明白她死了以后，男孩决计不肯独生，也知道再劝也没用，心里不禁悲哀地叹息。

‘那……你答应我一件事……’仪器显示女孩的脉搏越来越弱。

‘好，好，除了那件事以外，什么我都答应你！’男孩激动地说。

‘我死后……我的灵魂会继续在你心中……活着三年……所以这三年内……你不能死……三年后……你想干什么……也由得你了……’

男孩黯然神伤地说：‘你以为三年后，我的心会被时间冲淡而不再为你殉情（为情自杀〕吗？’

话虽然那么说，但眼见女孩命在须臾（要死了），男孩不忍心拂（拒绝〕她的心意，说道：

‘好，我答应你。三年后，我们再相见。’

女孩听了，给了男孩她一生最灿烂的笑容，不再说话，安祥地闭起眼睛。男孩握着她的手，陪着她，一直到她呼出了人生最后一口气。

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日子无声无息地流逝。离开女孩得忌日，也有了一段距离。男孩对女孩的思念却丝毫未减。

学校里的女生，总觉得男孩有个深藏不露的秘密。身上所散发的神秘感，令她们心摇神驰，加上男孩一张俏俊的脸孔，容光俊秀，更是迷倒了她们。

男孩却没有另交新欢的意思。

男孩对女孩的感情极深，那种感情是无法转移到别人身上。

‘别为了一棵树，而放弃整座森林。’朋友劝导他说。

男孩没有回口。男孩不是个多话的人。

‘我想一个人静一下。’也不等朋友回答，自己便独自走到以往下课时和女孩约会的地方，梧桐树下。

男孩静静地伫立在那。

关起眼睛，拼命地幻想着，女孩，其实就在自己身旁。

清风徐来，落叶随风飘逸，树叶相互摆动，奏出了动人的音符。

听见风声，男孩触景生情，唤醒了尘封在在心底，和女孩在梧桐树下所种下的种种美丽的回忆。男孩慢慢睁开眼睛，见到了自己和女孩的身影……

（诶？！这是什么？）

（你最爱吃的油炸圈啊。在你家附近的摊子买的。昨天你说你喜欢吃，我就给你买下来了。你说我乖不乖？）

（可是……我不吃豆沙的……）

（是吗……你都没有跟我讲！真是的……）

（谁说没有！噢……原来你都没有把我的话听进去的……）

（你有讲咩！！好啦……对不起咯……嘻嘻……喂喂！！不要酱啦！！看着我啦！！）

（不--------要。）

（呜呜呼……不要酱啦……喏，你看，今天这道菜是你最爱吃的哦！也是我亲手做的……不要生气嘛……最多待会儿我唱歌给你听……）

想到这里，眼眶含泪欲滴，心田里一阵温馨，脸上出现了微微的笑容。

（森林再多再茂密，也填满不了没有你的的空虚。）心里面说。

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天黑了。

夜，依旧宁静，夜，没有因为男孩的情绪而黯然神伤，一切，都没有改变。

男孩是个守夜者。

夜幕垂帘，男孩总是坐在高处，悠远而不为人知的角落，静静地望着星空。

午夜时分，万籁俱寂，偶尔夹着啾啾的夜鸣声，思路变得很平静，清晰。男孩想，是否女孩，正在世界的另一端，默默地等待着彼此的相遇；想着，在自己心中的她，是否同样地也在望着夜景；想着，是否此刻，也这般地想着他……

男孩透过迷蒙的泪水，望着天上的星星。看着它们，呼唤着女孩的名字。

‘你在天国过得好吗？’

这时，银黑色的星河里，有颗光华耀眼的星星殒落了，去追赶三年前所遗落的流星，并在人间，留下了真挚的爱。