Tired & Exhausted

She is going for clubbing tonight. So I made her promise me to text me when she got home.


11.00pm –

I decided to sleep first and hopefully I could wake up to her message.


12.00am –

I leaned against my left arm, allowing myself to face my phone on the right side of my pillow. I find myself staring at my phone most of the time rather than closing my eyes so as to have a peaceful sleep. My left arm started to go numb. I knew it was going to be a long night.


1.00am –

If Australian clubs close at 3am, it would be 1am in Malaysia’s time zone. I guess it’s about time she’d message me about her safe arrival. So I got up from my bed at around 1.30am, signed into my msn but appeared offline. Waiting.


2.30am –

Nothing happened. I started to get a lil bit disappointed. Well, maybe Australian clubs have longer party hours, so I’m going to have to wait longer. I tried to deceive myself by thinking that way.


3.30am –

I went up to the roof-top to have a smoke. Chill yang sik...She is probably yamcha-ing with her friends right now. Everyone needs to get sober after clubbing so they go to mamak remember? So I’m going to have to wait a lil longer. Just a lil longer yang sik... just a lil…


3.45am -

Michelle msged. but i didn't feel like talking. sorry.


4.00am –

I went back to my bed. I knew she wouldn’t text me already.


4.30am –

I lay sprawled, rolling all over my bed trying to catch some sleep. Agitated. Let downed. Depressed. Losing sleep.


6.45am –

I saw the first faint rays of dawn. I checked my phone. I looked into my inbox to see if i accidentally opened her sms without knowing. Nope. Then I looked at the clock. It was 6.45am already.




You said you would text. And I stayed up all night. ALL NIGHT LONG, can u imagine how i have been through it? I have been staring at the monitor for hours waiting for you to come online, staring at the phone until i have become so sick of its design, and i smoke like I'd get lung cancer the next day. I’m not a patient person but I did that for you man. Is this how you show up to me? I wonder while you were having fun, were you aware that i was there alone worrying, thinking about you? Damn! Why am I still living in the past!

I feel like I don’t matter anymore. Never mind. It's alright. It's ok. At least I had a clear thought in my mind tonight. That you do not deserve my best and I certainly do not have to remain faithful to you anymore. I do not deserve to be a victim of my own commitment. Thanks for letting me know that the feelings weren't mutual.

I never considered myself a jealous person until i met you. Sorry if i have overreacted. It was just because i loved you too much. TOO MUCH. No big deal. You wouldn’t find another guy who loved you like I did. DID. Note that. No one else is as blind and stupid. And when you come to realize the fact, you would know what you have been missing out all these while, and I would have been woken up to the person who knows my worth already.

Now, feel free and go do whatever you like, especially those things you were once restricted to do when i was with you. Coz nobody is going to have a say already. Likewise it would also mean that i will not be concerned if you were losing sleep for your assignments, I am not going to sacrifice my time to accompany you late at night till the next morning to finish your assignments, and you could forget about my phone calls because I'm not going to burn a hole in my pocket making any oversea calls again. Maybe other girls yea. But NOT YOU.

I feel so much better now. I feel relieved. Finally I could released and let go of everything. I have been tired and exhausted all these while. Now, I just want to sleep and think of nothing...